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Henk sensed that she was having doubts about getting married, but then most people did, didn’t they? Cold feet, they called it in English. When you thought about it, it was perfectly natural. As much as you might love someone and want to spend your life with them, surrendering your right to have a relationship with someone else was a drastic step.Jayne was indeed feeling like that. She was a strong, independent woman with a reckless streak that had seen her fall crazily in love several times, even eloping once when she was 17, spending a riotous, passionate, draining week in a cheap hotel in London before running out of money and realizing that there was at least one way in which she wasn’t ready for it.So she had strolled back into her parents’ home as bold as brass and resumed her education and her normal life, but with a drunken, borderline pornographic episode on her CV.Two years later she had met Rolf, who was ten years older and running his father’s car dealership. He had. I felt anxious and uneasy and uncomfortable, like there was an itch stuck underneath my skin that wouldn’t go away. I kind of felt like jacking off behind the dumpster, too, but I’m not sure if it was more horniness or boredom.I rubbed idly at my crotch. I hadn’t gotten any, and certainly not anything good, in a long time. Lying to myself about my sexuality probably had something to do with it. The town was kind of backwards about certain things, and being gay was a big deal. No one, not a single person I could name, was actually out. Especially back in high school. It was all downcast eyes and sidelong glances and hands groping uncertainly in the dark, and then once it was confirmed it was urgent and needy, a quick messy fuck in the boys’ room. Sometimes one of them would have a black eye the next day, or not show up for a week. Not that I ever got involved in it. I thought about guys a lot, but I kind of liked girls too, so I managed to hold myself over with them and convince.
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